It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
