from now on my penis is your penis
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
how drunk are you?
Several
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
