Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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