I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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