tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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