he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
