how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
