I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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