Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize