i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
