Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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