I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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