Your face is a jimmy john
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
