first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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