my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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