just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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