I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
