Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
