I just cut my nipple shaving
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I could make wine with my vomit
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
