Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
