i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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