Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
