Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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