I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
