So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
