I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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