Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
