Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
