I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
