I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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