My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
