I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
