my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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