No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
