Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize