just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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