Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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