Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
