I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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