My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
