i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
