thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize