Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
