I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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