The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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