I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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