I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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