Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Randomize
