Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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