Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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