I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
