Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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