Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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