from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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