Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize