Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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