So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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